Elizabeth Aguillera

What happens when the life you’ve built gets pulled out from under you—and instead of breaking, you finally break free? In this powerful episode of Rising From the Shadows, I sit down with certified life coach Elizabeth Aguilera, who spent 30 years in corporate IT before being blindsided by job loss while on vacation. But what looked like devastation was actually divine redirection. Elizabeth shares how she broke free from not one, but two narcissistic relationships—one overt, one covert—and how the cost of her freedom gave birth to the life she was truly meant to live. This conversation is a deep dive into what it takes to wake up, reclaim your identity, and rise—even when the world around you tells you to stay small.

[00:00:00]

Marlon: My guest today is Elizabeth Aguilera. Elizabeth spent 30 years in corporate IT before her life took an unexpected turn—her job was offshored while she was on vacation in Jamaica. That shocking moment became the unexpected gift that freed her to pursue her true calling.

Now a certified life coach, she helps women break free from the nightmare of narcissistic abuse and reclaim their lives.

I'm very excited to have Elizabeth on the pod, and I believe her story will inspire and empower you to take the next step on your own journey. Elizabeth, welcome to the pod.

Elizabeth: Thank you, Marlon. I'm so excited to be here today to speak on a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. And I just want to mention—narcissists come in all genders and all types. Both men and women are vulnerable to this happening to them.

So I'm happy to arm your audience with valuable information so they can sidestep the drama.

Marlon: Absolutely. Well, I’m really thrilled to have you on.

The first question I always like to ask is pretty open-ended. I’d love for you to take it in any direction that feels meaningful to you: Can you share a part of your personal journey that brought you to where you are today?

[00:02:10]

Elizabeth: My story is that I attracted back-to-back narcissists when I was younger. I was with an overt narcissist from the ages of 16 to 32. I didn’t know a whole lot back then when I met him at 16. I was naive, a people pleaser, and an empath—I just wanted my own love story.

I did have goals, and I was working on them. I had a successful career despite the narcissist, because when I look back, I can see how he was trying to sabotage the things I was doing.

After that relationship, I attracted a covert narcissist. The covert narcissist is dangerous because they’re not loud and showy. You can be caught in their trap thinking you’re safe with them—but you’re not.

They still have the same underlying need for power and control. They want to feel important. They feel entitled. And they may appear kind and supportive, but they’re dangerous because they wear the mask of being shy or introverted, so you let your guard down.

WHY NARCISSISTS TARGET SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE

[00:04:00]

Marlon: I want to put a pin in something you just said. You mentioned being ambitious, having goals, and being successful in your career. Most people seem to think narcissists pick on people who don’t have much going on—but the opposite is actually true.

Can you share more about your ambition and how you were enriching your life even while in that relationship?

Elizabeth: Yes, absolutely. The narcissist loves people on a path. They love people who are successful, people who are on a mission. They are attracted to them because it’s very important for them to look good. So, the better you look, the better they look.

It’s an interesting dynamic because all the things they love about you in the beginning—your drive, your ambition, your success—over time, they try to break you down.

The very things they were attracted to become the very things they use against you to pull you down to their level. They know you’re out of their league. And the only thing they want to do is drag you down so they can come up.

I was on a path. I was in high school when I met him—I was 16. I knew I wanted to graduate, go to college, and major in something specific. I was very devoted to my studies. School was number one.

That was my identity. I didn’t compromise on that. So, he was always going to take a back seat to my ambitions—and he hated that.

[00:06:10]

He had stalker-ish behavior that I dismissed. He’d make up false crises the night before something important—like the night before my SATs. He hated my friends and drove a wedge between me and my best friend.

He was always asking, “When am I going to be number one?” He hated that school came first, and later, he resented my job. He resented anything that wasn’t about him.

Marlon: Was he as educated as you were?

Elizabeth: No. He talked a lot about going to college and having a career, but he didn’t have the ambition to do the work. He talked about how great he was all the time, but there was nothing to back it up. It was all talk.

THE ILLUSION OF LOVE & EARLY MANIPULATION

[00:08:00]

Marlon: You mentioned earlier that you were ambitious and had goals, but I’m assuming when you met him, he seemed like the best thing since sliced bread. What was it about him that felt so valuable to you?

Elizabeth: Yeah, at 16, I really just couldn’t wait for my own love story. I was in love with the idea of love. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like. So when he came along, he was so interested in me. He made so much time for me.

We would talk on the phone for hours. He asked questions. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. I had never experienced that before. I thought, “Isn’t this wonderful?”

The relationship moved very quickly. He became the center of my world almost immediately. We were always together, always making plans.

Marlon: And that was mutual, right? You were just as emotionally invested?

Elizabeth: Yeah. Definitely mutual.

Marlon: I remember feeling guilty about how fast I moved in my relationship. I had never experienced emotional intimacy like that before. We’d spend hours on the phone—this was back when people didn’t talk on the phone much anymore. We dedicated weekends to each other.

In hindsight, I realize it all happened during a winter school break, so she had a lot of time on her hands. But I didn’t make that connection at the time. I just thought, “Wow, this is real.” I liked the intimacy, and I gave just as much energy and effort.

REALIZING IT WAS ABUSE

[00:10:35]

Marlon: Can I ask—once you started coming to grips with what kind of relationship you were actually in, did you ever feel like you were the abuser? Like maybe you moved things too fast or contributed to the dysfunction?

Elizabeth: Oh, no. He was definitely a predator. That’s how I see it now.

But to tell you the truth, I didn’t realize what I had lived through until decades later. I knew it was toxic, that it was unhealthy. I knew that what I was going through wasn’t something my friends were experiencing.

But all my energy was going into surviving. I just wanted peace. That was it. The bar was set so low—I just wanted peace.

I didn’t have time to reflect. I didn’t even realize it was an abusive relationship until much, much later.

[00:12:00]

I didn’t have a healthy relationship model, so I thought what I had with him was love. He showed up as Prince Charming. Everything you could imagine someone would want—he presented that in the beginning.

And I believed it. I had no reason not to. I was completely hoodwinked. Hook, line, and sinker.

It wasn’t until we got married—after dating for eight years—that everything changed. I was young, so I took my time. I wanted to graduate high school, college, get a good job. That was my path.

Once I got where I wanted to be and we got married, that’s when his real colors came out. He felt he had me, and that I was trapped.

OVERT VS. COVERT NARCISSISM

[00:13:40]

Marlon: You mentioned earlier how unimaginative narcissists are. I remember sharing a story with a friend and he said, “Marlon, if I swapped the person in my office earlier for you right now, the story wouldn’t change.”

And he was right. I went down the rabbit hole of narcissistic abuse support groups and was shocked at how identical the stories were—not just the patterns, but the actual phrases. It’s like they all share a group chat.

Elizabeth: Absolutely true. There’s a playbook. There are tactics. But here’s the good news—once you learn the playbook, once you recognize the tactics, you can sidestep the drama. You can protect yourself next time.

Marlon: You mentioned your first relationship was with an overt narcissist, and the second was with a covert. My experience was reversed. My first romantic relationship was covert, but my overt narcissist was my father.

He was violent and grandiose. I remember him saying, “I believe I’m the smartest person in the world.” I was maybe twelve and wanted to laugh even though the moment was tense.

So I had this framework of rage and control. When I met someone covert, I never thought it was the same thing—just dressed up differently. Can you break down how the overt and covert experiences were different… and how they were the same?

THE MASK OF THE COVERT NARCISSIST

[00:15:20]

Elizabeth: Yes. In the end, they’re the same. They just wear different masks.

Both want power and control over you. Both want their needs met above all else. But they go about it differently.

The overt narcissist is obvious. Their behaviors are loud and in your face. If you’re aware—and that’s key—you can see the patterns clearly.

But the covert narcissist? They’re dangerous because they don’t look dangerous. They wear a mask of kindness. They seem introverted, maybe even a little shy. Everyone around you thinks they’re amazing.

Marlon: Yes! Their secret weapon is plausible deniability. Everything is so subtle, so non-confrontational.

People hear “passive-aggressive” and think it just means snarky. But it’s more than that. It’s power through suggestion. “Don’t you think maybe it would be better if…”—that kind of thing.

Elizabeth: Exactly. They’re socially graceful. They know exactly what to say and how to say it. They manipulate gently, with a smile.

It’s “kill you with kindness,” but it’s still manipulation. It’s still control. It’s just hidden behind a nicer mask.

Marlon: You want to hear something funny?

Elizabeth:Sure.

[00:18:25]

Marlon: The last Christmas I spent with my narcissist… they asked, “Can I get you a Christmas gift?”

Now, that was always a touchy subject. They had a pattern of promising things and never delivering. One of the gifts I got that year was a vitamin D lamp. You know, the kind that helps with depression?

Elizabeth: Oh wow.

Marlon: At the time, I thought, “That’s so thoughtful, right?” Like, here I am struggling—and you want to help with my depression.

But here’s what’s wild: as soon as I stepped out of that relationship, with zero effort, all the negative self-talk just stopped.

I can’t even tell you the last time I had a truly negative thought. It was immediate. Like, night and day.

Elizabeth: Yes. Yes. That’s so real.

Marlon: And it’s funny to look back at that lamp now and think—“Thanks for being so helpful!” Meanwhile, the lamp wasn’t the help I needed. What I needed was freedom.

Elizabeth: You’re absolutely right. I had so many random illnesses when I was deep in the abuse. I’d go to the doctor constantly, and no one could tell me what was wrong.

I had heart palpitations. I had to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours. I was so sick all the time—and yet there was no diagnosis.

And guess what? The moment I chose me, the moment I said, “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore,” all of those symptoms disappeared.

Marlon: That’s incredible. It’s like your body literally starts rejecting the situation. Like an allergy. I was telling a friend recently—I'm usually super social. Everybody who knows Marlon knows I’m a big yapper. I love people.

But I was invited to speak at a conference in Vegas, and I couldn’t leave the hotel room. I was having the biggest panic attack.

Totally not like me. And it wasn’t fear of speaking—I love speaking. But I had nothing left in the tank.

Over time, I’d just been drained of all the glitter, the essence, the joy.

Elizabeth: I’m so sorry you went through that. But yes—what you’re describing is exactly what happens.

The world loses color. You go flat. I stopped smiling. I stopped looking forward to anything. And if I did look forward to something, he somehow knew and would sabotage it.

It was like he was training me: don’t get excited, because I’ll ruin it for you. It was a psychological conditioning—a systematic dismantling of joy.

TRAINED TO EXPECT NOTHING

[00:22:40]

Marlon: Say more about that—about the training.

Because I feel like people don’t really get it. It’s not always obvious. Like for me, anytime something was important—an anniversary, a milestone, a moment I was really looking forward to—she’d either cancel or somehow ruin it.

And when I did get my way, it was still miserable. I’d end up thinking, “I would’ve been better off staying home.”

So I stopped asking. I stopped expecting. I learned that it was safer to not want anything.

Elizabeth: Exactly. It’s a systematic chipping away at your ability to desire.

It’s not always said out loud, but you’re constantly told through actions: “Don’t bother. Don’t ask. You won’t get it.”

You learn that you don’t matter. Your needs don’t matter.

Marlon: I was telling my therapist this story—gifts were always a big issue in my relationship. Not because I expected extravagant gifts, but because I was promised things that never came.

She’d print a picture of the item she planned to get me and say, “It’s not here yet, but it’s coming.” But it never did.

It got so bad one year, I just asked for something simple: “Could we clean the basement together for my birthday?” That’s all I wanted.

Elizabeth: Oh wow. Did that even happen?

Marlon :Nope. Never did.

But here’s the irony—when we were divorcing and had to sell the house, we finally cleaned the basement.

I remember laughing like, “Wow, years later... I finally got my birthday present.”

And I told my therapist, it’s sad how effective the training was. I had learned to lower the bar so much, that I didn’t even expect gifts—I just wanted her to show up for basic life responsibilities.

Elizabeth: It’s heartbreaking.

They train us to not expect love. To not expect effort. To not expect care.

And then we start to believe we’re not worth it. We start to feel like maybe we’re asking for too much, when really—we’re asking for the bare minimum.

NO ONE KNEW THE TRUTH

[00:26:55]

Marlon: I’m curious—did you have any friends who were going through something similar?

Elizabeth:

No. None of my friends truly understood what I was living through. They knew it was toxic, sure—but we didn’t have the words.

This was the early ’90s. There was no public conversation about narcissism like there is now.

Even I didn’t know what I was going through. I knew it was bad, I knew it was painful, I knew it wasn’t right—but I didn’t have a name for it.

And the shame? It was so thick.

Marlon: Yes. That part.

Elizabeth :I told no one the real story. Only surface-level things.

Because in my head, I thought:“How could I let this happen?”“I’m smart, I’m ambitious, I’m driven… How did I end up here?”

And the truth is, I tried everything to fix it. I poured in so much energy. I believed I could solve it, because I was trying to be logical.

But you can’t use logic with a narcissist.

Because even when you give them what they say they want, they move the goalpost. It’s never enough. You’re always set up to fail.

Marlon: That’s so true.

It’s also a hard pill to swallow—that the version of them you fell in love with wasn’t real. It was bait.

And the version you’re left with? That’s who they really are.

Elizabeth: Exactly. You try to make sense of it—because your brain keeps going, “Wait, but I know who they used to be. They used to be so loving, so attentive…”

But that person never existed. It was a mask.

And when the mask drops, your brain can’t keep up with the reality you’re living in.

There’s no closure. No satisfying answers. No real explanation.

Marlon: Right. And the more you try to find those answers, the longer you stay stuck.

You just keep ruminating—going in circles—thinking maybe you could’ve done something different. But you couldn’t. Because it was never about you.

THE SMEAR CAMPAIGN WAS THE GIFT

[00:30:33]

Marlon: You know, you mentioned the lack of closure. And I’ve got to say—Now, it didn’t feel great then, but looking back…

The smear campaign that happened after I walked away? That was one of the best gifts I could’ve been given.

It broke me. I won’t lie. I mean—people I thought were my friends? People we did playdates with, celebrated birthdays with, raised our kids side by side?

Not a single one of them reached out to ask,“Hey, I heard something. Are you okay?

Can I support you?”

Nothing.

The only people who did reach out were trying to convince me to go back.

I was heartbroken.

Because I thought:“How could you not know my character? What in my life has ever made you think I’m capable of doing something cruel?” But that devastation—it shook me awake.

Elizabeth: I get that. So deeply.

Marlon: I remember, I was in therapy, telling my therapist,“I don’t even care about the money. I’ll walk away from everything. I just want peace.”

And if it wasn’t for my friend—who’s a therapist herself—sending me a screenshot of a message she got from my ex saying, “Can you help me manage Marlon?”...

That text woke something up in me.

It was like, Oh.That’s what’s going on.

And just like that, the guilt lifted.

I realized—I wasn’t the problem. I wasn’t being selfish.I was reclaiming my life.And it was okay to do that.

Elizabeth: That’s a massive shift.

Marlon: And it’s wild how much shame we carry, especially those of us who want to do the right thing.

We stay longer than we should, we silence ourselves, and we let others write the narrative because we’re afraid of looking like the villain.

But like you said—That smear campaign? It clears the room of people who never truly knew or valued you.

Elizabeth: Exactly. It purges people who were never in your corner.It hurts, yes—but it also makes your life cleaner.

And in my case? I thank my ex for being as terrible as he was.Because if he hadn’t been that awful—I might’ve stayed.

Marlon: Amen. Same.

Elizabeth: I thank him for the resilience I had to build.For pushing me to find my faith again.For forcing me to meet the version of myself I actually love.

If I had stayed—I would’ve never known this woman I am today.

THE CALL TO LEAVE WAS LOUDER THAN THE FEAR

[00:35:52]

Marlon: That’s a perfect segue into my next question.In the keynote I give, I talk about “the call”—That moment when living life the way you’ve been living it just isn’t an option anymore.

It’s like something in your soul just screams,“This is not it. This is not who we are. You must go.”

I say that it becomes louder than the noise and the distractions trying to keep you in place.

Did you have a moment like that?Like a moment of total clarity where you knew—you had to break free?Can you take us back to that time?

Elizabeth: Yes. I remember it so clearly.

It was the Fourth of July.I was standing at the window in our house holding my son.

And it wasn’t the first time.

I had stood at that same window every Fourth of July for several years in a row—Watching the fireworks in silence. Crying silently. Holding my baby.Heart breaking.

The first year, he was one. Then two. Then three.

And every year, I thought,“This can’t be it. This can’t be my life.”

That third year, I stood at that same window and I said to myself,“Not one more year. I will not be here next year.”

Marlon: Wow.

Elizabeth: I knew that when I left, I would release the hounds of hell.I knew he would try to punish me.I knew how vindictive he could be.

And that fear kept me stuck longer than I wanted.

But that night, the decision was made.

I didn’t even feel like it came from me.It came from something deeper—My soul.

It was like,“You either leave…Or you die.”

Marlon: Yes.That’s it. That’s exactly it.I always say—if I had a choice, I probably would’ve stayed.

Because I’m strong.I know how to do hard things.

But I didn’t have a choice anymore.It was survival.

Elizabeth: That’s right.I went from saying, “I can’t,” to saying, “I must.”And I started figuring it out from there.

Marlon: When you made that shift…Did you start to feel yourself coming back to life?Did your view of yourself change in that moment?

Elizabeth: Slowly, yes.

At first, I was still in survival mode.But every step I took toward separation—Every boundary, every decision I made on behalf of myself and my son—I felt myself growing stronger.

It was like color was slowly returning to my life.

I started saying “yes” to things again—Yes to concerts.Yes to friends.Yes to classes.

Small things.But every “yes” to myself was a brick laid on the road back home.

Marlon: That’s beautiful. I’m smiling because…You’re literally describing the next question I had.

That part where you said “yes” to yourself again?That’s the turning point.

The return to self.The resurrection.

REBUILDING POWER, ONE YES AT A TIME

[00:40:33]

Marlon: What you just said leads perfectly into what I wanted to ask next.We talked earlier about reclaiming power.For so many of us survivors, the path out isn’t just about leaving.It’s about rebuilding.

And we don’t always realize how much of that rebuilding happens in the smallest ways.

For me, oddly enough, business was the entry point into rebuilding myself.I had started a business right before the pandemic.I had no clients, no experience, just this belief that I could make it work.

And I did. But only because I became someone who believed in his own value.

I remember the first time I turned away a paying client—Because I knew they weren’t the right fit.They had the money. But I said no.

That “no” was everything.

It taught me I could survive disappointing someone. It taught me I could trust myself.

And that changed everything.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was laying down pennies—Little deposits of self-respect.

And when the moment came to walk away from the narcissist in my life,I had enough in the bank to do it.

Elizabeth: That’s so powerful.

Marlon: I mean, it got down to little things.I used to walk around with stones in my shoes.

Literally.

Like, I would feel discomfort and just deal with it.I wouldn’t stop to fix it.

Same with being cold.I’d shiver instead of getting up to get socks.

So after I left, I made a rule: “If I’m uncomfortable, I do something about it.”

And I know it sounds small, But I swear—That was huge.

Because it was care. Care I never gave myself before. It was love.

That’s when things really started to change.

Elizabeth: Yes.Those little moments—those small “yeses” to yourself—They’re what bring you back to life.

I remember clients telling me,“I don’t even know what I like anymore.”Not even their favorite color.

That’s how far they were pulled away from themselves.

So yes—saying yes to blueberry pancakes,Saying yes to warm socks,Saying yes to walking away from a bad client—Those are the pennies.

And over time, those pennies add up.

They remind you:I matter. I get to take up space.I get to have a life that feels good.

Marlon: Exactly. It’s not always a big, dramatic change.

Sometimes it starts with a blueberry muffin.Sometimes it starts with picking your favorite color again.

Elizabeth: It really does.That’s how you begin to remember who you are.

THE COST OF FREEDOM—AND THE GIFTS IT BRINGS

[00:47:15]

Marlon: This has been such an amazing conversation.Before we wrap up, I want to touch on something I see trip a lot of people up. It’s the part where you know what you need to do…But you're stuck because of the consequences.

I always say:The one superpower I’ve had that saved me is the ability to accept negative consequences.That’s what moved me forward.

It’s not that I didn’t know things were going to be bad.I knew they would be.

But I chose the “bad” that moved me toward freedom.Not the “bad” that kept me stuck.

And I really don’t believe in confusion anymore.I think when people say they’re confused, they’re just afraid.

Afraid of disappointing people.Afraid of looking bad.Afraid of losing comfort or control.

So I want to ask you: What did it look like for you to choose freedom even when you knew it would come with consequences?What’s a moment where you had to say:“This might hurt. But I’m doing it anyway.”

Elizabeth: That’s such a powerful question.For me, that moment came in my professional life.

I was in corporate America for 30 years.And for most of that time, I was deeply unhappy.But I stayed—because I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

It was all I knew. It paid the bills. It gave me stability.And so I stayed.

Even though the environment was toxic. Even though I was drained.

And then—while I was on vacation in Jamaica—I got a call that my job had been offshored. Just like that. Gone.

I was devastated at first.But now I can say it was the best gift I was ever given.

Because that job was never going to let me be who I truly was.

And the truth?I never would’ve left on my own.I would’ve stayed stuck out of fear.

So yes, it was a hard loss.But it was a sacred loss.

Marlon: That’s so good.A sacred loss.

Elizabeth: People didn’t understand.I had a six-figure salary,a stable career. To them, I had it all.

So when I didn’t go back into corporate,When I started working with seniors and overwhelmed moms,When I made less money but found joy again—People pitied me.They thought I had fallen.

But they didn’t know what it was costing me to keep that job. So yeah, I made less. But I gained so much more.

I found purpose. I found peace.I found myself again.

And I realized: I don’t owe anyone an explanation for my healing.

What other people think about my life?That’s not my business.

Marlon: Yes.Say that again for the people in the back.

Elizabeth: What other people think about my life is none of my business.

And I’m not putting my life on the altar of other people’s opinions anymore.

I finally got to a place where I could say—“I know who I am. I know what it took to get here. I’m proud of myself.”

And that’s what matters most.

THIS I BELIEVE – FINAL REFLECTIONS

[00:54:08]

Marlon: This has been such a rich conversation. You’ve dropped so much wisdom and truth. And before I let you go, I want to close with a question I ask all my guests. It’s inspired by something Oprah once said on her show.

After everything you’ve lived through…After all you’ve learned…What is it that you know for sure—in the deepest part of your being?

And once you share it, end by saying: “This I believe.”

Elizabeth: That’s such a beautiful question. And I’ve got chills even thinking about it.

What I know for sure is this: Nobody knows how to make me happy except me.

That’s my job.That’s my responsibility.

And if I don’t take care of me,If I don’t prioritize my well-being,Then no one else will.

I don’t expect others to understand or approve of everything I do.That’s not what I’m here for.

I’m here to honor myself. To make decisions rooted in what’s best for me.And to live a life that feels right—to me.

This I believe.

Marlon: Thank you so much, Elizabeth.Truly, thank you.

I know you work with women who’ve experienced narcissistic abuse and are trying to reclaim their lives .Can you let our listeners know where they can find you, how to connect, and support your work?

Elizabeth: Absolutely.You can find me at thegoodcalling.com.You can book a free discovery session there, and we can talk about next steps to get you back on your journey home to you.That’s what this is really all about—reclaiming your life.

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I'm Marlon. I'm a speaker and consultant, helping recovering people pleasers and codependents return to themselves so they can live thriving lives. If you're ready to take the next step to life on your terms, schedule a Momentum Call with me today. Let's work together to turn your breakthroughs into action. https://ignitingmomentum.co